It’s the End of the World and I’m in My Bathing Suit

Is there anything worse than when you’re walking along, minding your own business, but then out of nowhere–Crash! Bang! Boom!–you’re viciously assaulted?

But who’s doing the assaulting, Eddie, and why?

It’s easier if I tell you who’s not doing it.

Nope, your attacker is not that attention-seeking bully from school. You know, the kid who’s awful behavior is constantly glossed over by adults–your stepdad included–as a kid who’s only stealing your lunch money, stuffing you into lockers, and calling you EDIE because the truth is they’re lonely and desperate for a friend?

Because yes, nothing says LET’S BE ETERNAL BESTIES FOR LIFE MORE THAN THEFT. I mean, I get that loneliness sucks but that’s what TikTok’s for, no?

And no, the attack’s not even orchestrated by The Bronster–or as he’s more commonly known as: The Officially Recognized Worst Human Being Ever to Breathe on This Planet and Likely Any Other Planet with Yet-to-be-Discovered Alien Life Forms.

Okay, I see now that nickname could stand to be a shade shorter and, sure, while we’re at it, maybe a tad less harsh. But to be fair, it’s completely accurate. Hey, not my fault the truth hurts.

Umm, Eddie, not to be pushy but we’re wondering if you could maybe just tell us who the assailant actually is, you know, if that’s cool?

No worries, my friends–we’re gonna get there, we’re almost there. The thing is we’re always in so much of a hurry to get to the point, to get to the thing, to get to the potty–

Like I get it, but there’s something to be said for taking your time, for taking the scenic route, for taking chances.

Anyway, so you’re minding your own business, yada yada yada. You’re opening your mailbox to check for your long-awaited, heavily delayed game Heroes & Heart VI even though who are you kidding, you already know it’s not there because the Universe basically hates you today–

Or if it’s not outright hatred, it’s at the bare minimum the Universe being so bored that it said to itself: “You know what, self? Let’s turn up the spice level today, yeah? Let’s make this a Saturday to remember except, you know, for all the wrong reasons, hahaha.”

To which the Universe replied to itself: “Excellent idea, Universe. You know how much I love to frustrate humans. Shall I spin the Wheel of Annoyance, then?”

The Universe Itself *clapping excitedly*: “I was hoping you’d say that. Gosh, We haven’t used the Wheel of Annoyance in at least what, thirty or forty…”

The Universe: “It’s been easily a solid forty seconds. Which is thirty-nine seconds too long, if you ask me.”